Still mad, but dealing

It's been months now.  The divorce was final on May 8th.  I'd say i'm not mad but that isn't true.  I'd elaborate but why waste the effort.  She isn't my problem anymore, more like some married cops problem in HH.

So whats going on.  I tried going back to school because I'm a glutton for punishment.  I discovered a few things.  I'm not ready mentally, which is probably the most important.  I'm a smart guy, fairly well spoken, inquisitive, and  generally well rounded in my interests.  What happened was focus, or more specifically what didn't happen was focus.  

Why?  I'm not happy right now. Why? I'm alone.  I married a bipolar control freak because she told me to and I figured I wouldn't do any better.  I loved her at some point for reasons I don't remember anymore.  Sad, isn't it.  I started making friends with women again when I was waiting on my divorce to be final.  I did NOT, break my marriage vows at any time in any way; I, at least, took those seriously to the last minute.  Anyway, I took a suggestion from a family member that I should date someone.  J was great; a good person, fun to be around, and almost always in a good mood.  One problem was that she was busy, so busy that I only saw her on random weekends.  She had no interest in making me, or getting to know my family a priority.  She loves her dog more than anything else on the planet.  After hinting, at first, then flat out saying I wanted and deserved to be a higher priority than I was...well I wasn't.  So I ended it.  I was polite, explained why, and was abruptly unfriended on FB and have only heard about her through a few people since that now pretty much refer to her as Becky #2, just a prude instead of a slut.

So what to do? I pick the crazies, family/friends pick the crazies.... I know.  The Internet!  How could that ever be disappointing?  Oh match.com don't let me down now.  So far I've made three contacts that aren't bad.  First is well, I don't know her name...she just emails me cancer questions because her dad and I have Hodgkins Lymphoma in common.  Second, B (you get a letter, not a name).  B is a bit intimidating but in a good way.  We have a lot in common, music, movie types, humor, and other things.  We get along so well in fact I canceled seeing a movie with her last weekend because I'm a schmuck (in hindsight on this one) and because the similarities are a bit overwhelming and a little scary.  I've always said I was looking for another me, just a girl and...it may be her.  The third is M.  I canceled on B because I had plans to watch a horror movie with M after having a great first date with her earlier in the week.  What happened, I was honest about what I wanted out of a relationship and she bailed.  So I go groveling back to B begging for forgiveness and another shot at a date/meeting which she graciously has granted.  We will see how that goes, I'm hoping we haven't peaked through text and also that I stop talking long enough to seem sane and hear what she has to say at dinner.

I will take a minute to point out that I'm working on being friend with these women, not trying to sleep with them.  I don't date multiple women at once, never have, never will.  I'm not that Jackass.

When it rains it pours I guess... So at work a girl likes me that a mutual friend tried to set me up with months ago.  Didn't know her then and now I barely know her outside of work.  We are talking (apparently this is the term for conversing with the intention of dating).  This came about Tuesday after I had already made plans with B.  I've told A that I won't be breaking those plans period and she doesn't want me to go.  She wants to see where things go with us and I guess wants my total focus.  Only problem is that A is very slow to trust, she is also worried that she's too slow for what I want.

So what is it that I want.  Well I want what was missing from my marriage.  Emotional intimacy.  I want a best friend.  I want someone that trusts me until I've done something to earn distrust and doubt. I DO NOT expect this immediately, just to be clear, it needs to be built over time. I want someone that is going to be upfront and honest with me and not play games of "I like you but I want to take it so slow that no one might notice unless they're eaves dropping on us".  Its frustrating to have to reassure people of what you have already told them you want.

The sad part is that I don't feel an emotional connection with A and I see her everyday.  Sure I like her and there is the added bonus of being able to see her daily without a commute.  I just don't feel wanted, paid attention to yes.  Thats just not the same thing.  I've been warned about high drama with her, which is something I don't want.  I want stability.  I want a serious relationship and someone willing to put in the work with me and not watch me do it all.  I don't want someone who watches me do all of the work, says thanks and texts me like crazy but won't tell me things to my face.  Ask so and so...they know.  Its already a little maddening and i'm not sure it's going to get much better.

I'm venting on this here to primarily put my thoughts in order.  Not to seem like a crazy person.  I need peace in my head and my hands don't write for too long but type fairly well for some reason.

Breaking Benjamin has been on my mind a lot recently so I'll share some lyrics.

Fall

Now the dark begins to rise
Save your breath, it's far from over
Leave the lost and dead behind
Now's your chance to run for cover

I don't want to change the world
I just wanna leave it colder
Light the fuse and burn it up
Take the path that leads to nowhere

All is lost again
But I'm not giving in

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away

Fall

Watch the end through dying eyes
Now the dark is taking over
Show me where forever dies
Take the fall and run to Heaven

All is lost again
But I'm not giving in

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid
I have lost the will to change
And I am not proud, cold-blooded fake
I will shut the world away

Open your eyes!

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive; paranoid
I have lost the will to change
And I am not proud, cold-blooded fake
I will shut the world away

Fall!

To me, lyrics are like Bible passages.  Every time you read them you may discover something new, o they may just mean something different based upon your current perspective.  I like Breaking Benjamin for multiple reasons, mainly for the lyrics though.

I need sleep, I have to wake up in a few hours.

The raod no one wants to travel

The last six months have been a challenge at best.  I've been diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma cancer and undergoing to subsequent treatments.  For me, being diagnosed as stage 3B, it has only involved chemotherapy and not radiation thankfully.  Now I have arrived at the final countdown, so to speak, as my last treatment is on Friday the 1st of March.  Some pretty rough things have happened to me durring this process, some of which are my own fault and others beyond my control.  So I'll go ahead and run down the list as a measure of self therapy and processing.

Fear, don't let the exterior fool you, I don't care how much you know or how confident you are.  When you get diagnosed with cancer you feel fear, the fear that you could die (reguardless of the remission statistics) and you have a fear of the treatments as you go over the possible side effects of the drugs that you will be treated with.  Mentally processing the fact that you have cancer is a lot like dealing with the multiple stages of greif.  I am apparently one of the few that moved to acceptance about the time I started my first treatment and decided not to be a victim of this disease any more than I had to be.

Drug dependancy, not addiciton, was the first side effect.  I couldn't seem to make it for a single day without anti-nausea meds for the first several treatments and the meds have changed over time as the previous perscriptions became ineffective.

Muscle atrophy and or degeneration.  I had to use a cane about a month in due to muscular issues in my legs to the point where I almost couldn't stand on my own without it and walking would have been totaly impossible.  I have since recovered or adjusted to this and am now cane free and almost totally mobile in the normal sense.

Stagnation, it's hard to do things and feel useful when you are sick all of the time.  You can't go to work because of the side effects of the chemo and you lose confidence that you will be able to make it through a day without getting sick on some level and becoming unable to continue.  After several weeks of this I became very unmotivated and withdrawn from everything in my life as I could not participate fully and felt that I was not only letting myself down, but others as well.  Due to the amount of time I missed because of all of the other side effects this has also made work very difficult but so far I still have a job and am back to 40 a week most weeks.

Seperation, no this isn't a direct side effect of the treatments or condition but they certainly didn't help this.  In a relationship where neither individual is perfect and both of us had let things get too far gone between us I was dismissed from the house in the begining of December, great timing.

Neuropathy has set in on my hands to the point of where my nails are yellow and gross looking and I have very little sensation in my fingertips.  No one knows if this will ever go away.

Surgery, I had to have my appendix taken out on Feb 3rd which wasn't fun, two more weeks down to heal up from that.  In addition, I became addicted to NORCO and Morphine (perscribed to be clear and cover my ass for work, still have the bottles).  The withdrawls from that were horrible on a level I have never gone through before.  I'm clean now and will not go swimming in those drugs again if at all possible.

Now as I'm hitting the end of the road, the final decision on my marriage has come down and we get to divide and divorce has been the verdict, that just rounds out the crapfest of the last six months with a gold star.  I'm sure I'll post more on that in specifics, to an extent, once I can do so without anger and rage.  For now it's day by day and where I go from here.

Friday will be the last treatment as I've stated, and I will be ringing the bell in the cancer treatment area signifying that I am done with my treatments and now cancer free!  I'm excited about that because, as I see it, I will be ending all of the bad garbage in my life and getting things back on track.

More eventually if my blogging history is any indication.

Back in the saddle?

Well, five years since an update?  Did you forget about your blog?  Yes, yes I did.  I found it again when I was writing a post for the family blog and logged into my google account instead of the shared one by accident.  I see that my last post was in 2007...  ha ha.  After reading some of them I was amused to say the least.  So what now?  Fill the 0 people that read this in on the latest, or maybe rant on about some nonsense for a few paragraphs until I'm satisfied that I've taken my appropriate amount of web space?  Nah, I am planning to update more often; I kinda have the time now.  I can't go to work for at least the next 6 weeks because of the lovely cancer/chemo thing, so I'll have plenty of time to devote to writing down things that random people may stumble across in the attempt to entertain themselves.  Expect some theological questions and thoughts, I have lots of time to read and think on The Bible and the ramifications of it.  Cancer updates and rants will be mostly confined to the family blog, it gets more readers and facebook publicity.  I'd also expect some random ranting about a variety of things in the weeks to come and who knows, this may become habit forming.

What fun

I decided a few months ago, when I figured out that I was going to be a full time student, that I needed to go ahead and get a "smart phone." The issue is finding one that is practical for my job and for school as well as personal use. After reading several reviews I narrowed it down to 4. The iphone, a blackberry, a blackjack, or the new and upcoming Motorola Q phone were my narrowed down options. I quickly omitted the iphone, don't get me wrong, great phone for a lot of people. It doesn't make sense for me to get one though. Primary reason is that I would ruin it in a week, two at best. Touch-screen phones aren't great for those of us who work with paint, drywall, and various textures. I would kill the touchscreen without knowing it and that would be wasting $500 in a hurry. Add to that I have a 30GB ipod and it handles music, pictures, video, contacts and the like as I tell it to.

I finally came to the decision of the Moto Q. So far I like it, a shiny new toy that talks to my PC. I have to admit that it integrates nicely with Office 2007 (word, excel, powerpoint viewing, and one note) and with Windows Vista. You can make or view new documents, email attachments and email them out right there. Yeah, i got the unlimited data usage plan. It also has a port for the micro SD flash disks, and my 1GB disk that I bought for my razor is not going to waste. Another feature that sold me on it is the keyboard. According to several reviewers and personal inspection they did it right. I haven't fat fingered the keys once during my "ops check" that I have been doing since earlier this afternoon while working on my project. We will just have to see what I think in a few days after I have had more opportunity to actually use it on the go.

I'm gleeful in my geekness.

Joe.

Technical Difficulties

Well well, two bolg sessions in less than a month. I know you must be asking WTH?

Truth being told I am working on a project for one of my classes and needed a break. This was one of the first things I thought of doing to kill a wee bit of time, how sad for me.

Now onto the subject at hand. My Desktop CRASHED! After 5 or so years of being worked like a mule, it finally said "System failed CPU test" about 6 times then died. The amusing part of this is when it happened I was watching The Lake House on my PC and had to wait until last night to finish it. As if you can't see the ending coming a mile away. Good movie....bad CPU, no cookie. I of course being the tech geek that I am ripped apart my cpu and found scorch marks on the board and little bubbles on the processor itself. Fun times. Long story short I ordered a barebones kit from tigerdirect and it got here last night. Then comes the operation which was rather successfull. Upon closer inspection of the documentation for the motherboard that comes with the bundle it of course states that the board was designed for Windows Vista and the manufacturer will not gaurentee that the entire board is compatible with 98/2K/XP. So now I have that installed and I'm thinking great. I can finally get back to work. The bloody windows firewall is cutting off my internet access while active. I am trying like hell to get it configured properly and failing miserably. So to check my email, find research, and goof off like this I have to do it without a firewall. Windows Vista has got to be the most back ass wards OS for the computer literate I have ever seen. I can get everything I need to changed, but it won't let me get anything out through the bloody firewall. What the hell I ask you, what the hell?

Well I'm headed to the Microsoft site to hopefully find the answers and leave dear Mr. Gates a love letter that some tech in the department of "WTF emails" will more than likely discard like so many others. Use XP as long as you can people. Or do what I'm planning on; MAC.

Thanks a lot Obi-bill Kaboozie.

Joe

Busy Busy Busy

Oh Lord, look at the date. It's been a bit of time (if you define bits in quarters) since my last post. I'm just sitting here wondering why I can't seem to get to sleep and was checking out crazyville for a good giggle-snort. It did not let me down.

Well now, let's field some questions in my head.

Where have I been all year? In Texas working, working, school work, and the occasional fit of sleep. It's been a long and bit of a turbulent year here at the cafe. I've been working on two refurbishments at work since last spring with a third that was a quickie (week and a half) in there just to see if I would actually go insane from it.

Did you go insane? The short answer is yes, although to those who know me there won't be much of a difference.

Have there been any life-altering events these past months? Well there was the feeling like Belton's most wanted for all of ten minutes which I still chuckle about. Then the getting dressed up like a prostitute (yes there was a short skirt and boobs involved in the outfit) for charity. That has, of course, yielded a seemingly endless supply of jokes for my co-workers and friends; because as you know, entertainment is important but mockery is the stuff life is made of. All in good fun of course.

That was just disturbing, but seriously; Life-altering events? Well possibly two. The first is that I am switching from being a part-time student to a full time student in January. I seem to have this equal feeling of calm and mind numbing fear about it. The other is a woman "TA-DA." We've been dating for three months now. My friends like her, my family likes her, but I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Don't get me wrong, I like the girl; but past that I'm not sure of much about the relationship. In my opinion I have exactly ZERO business dating anyone right now. I work 50-60 hours a week, and am taking 9 hours of college this semester. Not what I would call a lot of time for quality time with her. She is great at telling me that she is understanding about all of it but constantly tries to get me to come over and spend time with her when I should be doing schoolwork, which is starting to grate on my nerves. So far however we are doing ok. I think that both of us are working on our shortcomings as far as the other is concerned. I have even committed to doing Thanksgiving with her and her family this year, I hope there will be ham.

So are you going to marry her? OK voice in my head, cut that crazy talk you flippant goober. I'm not sure I want to be married to anyone. The red one tells me I need to learn to be flexible and compromise if I am going to get serious and married one day. Time will tell.

So what will your college major be? Good question, general studies for now at the community college. Once I transfer, I will be pursuing a BSIT or BSCIS with a teaching certificate. Then teach public school while working on my masters and teach college after that. P.H.D. I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Here ends the interview of me, by me. More to follow some day.

Joe.

It's about time

Sorry I've been out of pocket so long, life has been; life. I have been swamped with illness, school, work, and a death in the family so all of a sudden blogging took a back seat. I am still making my classes which are going quite well and I am sure will continue to do so.

The death in the family was hard for all of us. Nana was my last grandparent since I lost my Grandfather at the begining of May in 2006. I miss having her around, she had this uncanny ability to put a smile on my face no matter what my mood was. It's a rare thing to be able to do such a simple thing for people, or to have it done for you and I miss that among other things. I had the eye opening task of organizing everything with the memorial service, from getting the family notified and into town to getting business at the funeral home and church taken care of. It enabled me to detach myself from the emotional side of it because there were things that had to be done. Now that I have time to relax a bit I find myself going through the mounring process currently, I'd rather be handling the business of it all still.

Work is work, it is the end of the month so we are doing the 10 hour a day, 6 days a week scramble to get things done. The good news on that front is that we are interviewing for new technicians and I will probably be training the new person and advising them on the best way to handle the equipment. That should make for an interesting change for me at work.

I actually went out on a date this past weekend. Upon some minor reflection I realized that it was the first time in 8 years I went out on a date with someone I had not known for several months/years prior. The date went well, dinner and a show at the Temple Civic Theater. She Loves Me was the show and it was fantastic, I didn't really like the way that the music was arranged but overall I really enjoyed it. The more important part to all of this, as far as I'm concerned, is that she had a great time. I'm hoping to go out with her again soon, I'm just not sure what the second date will entail.

That brings us up to speed for the most part and I will try to keep this blog updated and flowing a bit more frequently. I will be doing my best to get out at least a weekly update probably Sunday evening or Monday sometime for those of you that might read on schedules.

I'll be back soon.

Joe.