Still mad, but dealing

It's been months now.  The divorce was final on May 8th.  I'd say i'm not mad but that isn't true.  I'd elaborate but why waste the effort.  She isn't my problem anymore, more like some married cops problem in HH.

So whats going on.  I tried going back to school because I'm a glutton for punishment.  I discovered a few things.  I'm not ready mentally, which is probably the most important.  I'm a smart guy, fairly well spoken, inquisitive, and  generally well rounded in my interests.  What happened was focus, or more specifically what didn't happen was focus.  

Why?  I'm not happy right now. Why? I'm alone.  I married a bipolar control freak because she told me to and I figured I wouldn't do any better.  I loved her at some point for reasons I don't remember anymore.  Sad, isn't it.  I started making friends with women again when I was waiting on my divorce to be final.  I did NOT, break my marriage vows at any time in any way; I, at least, took those seriously to the last minute.  Anyway, I took a suggestion from a family member that I should date someone.  J was great; a good person, fun to be around, and almost always in a good mood.  One problem was that she was busy, so busy that I only saw her on random weekends.  She had no interest in making me, or getting to know my family a priority.  She loves her dog more than anything else on the planet.  After hinting, at first, then flat out saying I wanted and deserved to be a higher priority than I was...well I wasn't.  So I ended it.  I was polite, explained why, and was abruptly unfriended on FB and have only heard about her through a few people since that now pretty much refer to her as Becky #2, just a prude instead of a slut.

So what to do? I pick the crazies, family/friends pick the crazies.... I know.  The Internet!  How could that ever be disappointing?  Oh match.com don't let me down now.  So far I've made three contacts that aren't bad.  First is well, I don't know her name...she just emails me cancer questions because her dad and I have Hodgkins Lymphoma in common.  Second, B (you get a letter, not a name).  B is a bit intimidating but in a good way.  We have a lot in common, music, movie types, humor, and other things.  We get along so well in fact I canceled seeing a movie with her last weekend because I'm a schmuck (in hindsight on this one) and because the similarities are a bit overwhelming and a little scary.  I've always said I was looking for another me, just a girl and...it may be her.  The third is M.  I canceled on B because I had plans to watch a horror movie with M after having a great first date with her earlier in the week.  What happened, I was honest about what I wanted out of a relationship and she bailed.  So I go groveling back to B begging for forgiveness and another shot at a date/meeting which she graciously has granted.  We will see how that goes, I'm hoping we haven't peaked through text and also that I stop talking long enough to seem sane and hear what she has to say at dinner.

I will take a minute to point out that I'm working on being friend with these women, not trying to sleep with them.  I don't date multiple women at once, never have, never will.  I'm not that Jackass.

When it rains it pours I guess... So at work a girl likes me that a mutual friend tried to set me up with months ago.  Didn't know her then and now I barely know her outside of work.  We are talking (apparently this is the term for conversing with the intention of dating).  This came about Tuesday after I had already made plans with B.  I've told A that I won't be breaking those plans period and she doesn't want me to go.  She wants to see where things go with us and I guess wants my total focus.  Only problem is that A is very slow to trust, she is also worried that she's too slow for what I want.

So what is it that I want.  Well I want what was missing from my marriage.  Emotional intimacy.  I want a best friend.  I want someone that trusts me until I've done something to earn distrust and doubt. I DO NOT expect this immediately, just to be clear, it needs to be built over time. I want someone that is going to be upfront and honest with me and not play games of "I like you but I want to take it so slow that no one might notice unless they're eaves dropping on us".  Its frustrating to have to reassure people of what you have already told them you want.

The sad part is that I don't feel an emotional connection with A and I see her everyday.  Sure I like her and there is the added bonus of being able to see her daily without a commute.  I just don't feel wanted, paid attention to yes.  Thats just not the same thing.  I've been warned about high drama with her, which is something I don't want.  I want stability.  I want a serious relationship and someone willing to put in the work with me and not watch me do it all.  I don't want someone who watches me do all of the work, says thanks and texts me like crazy but won't tell me things to my face.  Ask so and so...they know.  Its already a little maddening and i'm not sure it's going to get much better.

I'm venting on this here to primarily put my thoughts in order.  Not to seem like a crazy person.  I need peace in my head and my hands don't write for too long but type fairly well for some reason.

Breaking Benjamin has been on my mind a lot recently so I'll share some lyrics.

Fall

Now the dark begins to rise
Save your breath, it's far from over
Leave the lost and dead behind
Now's your chance to run for cover

I don't want to change the world
I just wanna leave it colder
Light the fuse and burn it up
Take the path that leads to nowhere

All is lost again
But I'm not giving in

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away

Fall

Watch the end through dying eyes
Now the dark is taking over
Show me where forever dies
Take the fall and run to Heaven

All is lost again
But I'm not giving in

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid
I have lost the will to change
And I am not proud, cold-blooded fake
I will shut the world away

Open your eyes!

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive; paranoid
I have lost the will to change
And I am not proud, cold-blooded fake
I will shut the world away

Fall!

To me, lyrics are like Bible passages.  Every time you read them you may discover something new, o they may just mean something different based upon your current perspective.  I like Breaking Benjamin for multiple reasons, mainly for the lyrics though.

I need sleep, I have to wake up in a few hours.

The raod no one wants to travel

The last six months have been a challenge at best.  I've been diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma cancer and undergoing to subsequent treatments.  For me, being diagnosed as stage 3B, it has only involved chemotherapy and not radiation thankfully.  Now I have arrived at the final countdown, so to speak, as my last treatment is on Friday the 1st of March.  Some pretty rough things have happened to me durring this process, some of which are my own fault and others beyond my control.  So I'll go ahead and run down the list as a measure of self therapy and processing.

Fear, don't let the exterior fool you, I don't care how much you know or how confident you are.  When you get diagnosed with cancer you feel fear, the fear that you could die (reguardless of the remission statistics) and you have a fear of the treatments as you go over the possible side effects of the drugs that you will be treated with.  Mentally processing the fact that you have cancer is a lot like dealing with the multiple stages of greif.  I am apparently one of the few that moved to acceptance about the time I started my first treatment and decided not to be a victim of this disease any more than I had to be.

Drug dependancy, not addiciton, was the first side effect.  I couldn't seem to make it for a single day without anti-nausea meds for the first several treatments and the meds have changed over time as the previous perscriptions became ineffective.

Muscle atrophy and or degeneration.  I had to use a cane about a month in due to muscular issues in my legs to the point where I almost couldn't stand on my own without it and walking would have been totaly impossible.  I have since recovered or adjusted to this and am now cane free and almost totally mobile in the normal sense.

Stagnation, it's hard to do things and feel useful when you are sick all of the time.  You can't go to work because of the side effects of the chemo and you lose confidence that you will be able to make it through a day without getting sick on some level and becoming unable to continue.  After several weeks of this I became very unmotivated and withdrawn from everything in my life as I could not participate fully and felt that I was not only letting myself down, but others as well.  Due to the amount of time I missed because of all of the other side effects this has also made work very difficult but so far I still have a job and am back to 40 a week most weeks.

Seperation, no this isn't a direct side effect of the treatments or condition but they certainly didn't help this.  In a relationship where neither individual is perfect and both of us had let things get too far gone between us I was dismissed from the house in the begining of December, great timing.

Neuropathy has set in on my hands to the point of where my nails are yellow and gross looking and I have very little sensation in my fingertips.  No one knows if this will ever go away.

Surgery, I had to have my appendix taken out on Feb 3rd which wasn't fun, two more weeks down to heal up from that.  In addition, I became addicted to NORCO and Morphine (perscribed to be clear and cover my ass for work, still have the bottles).  The withdrawls from that were horrible on a level I have never gone through before.  I'm clean now and will not go swimming in those drugs again if at all possible.

Now as I'm hitting the end of the road, the final decision on my marriage has come down and we get to divide and divorce has been the verdict, that just rounds out the crapfest of the last six months with a gold star.  I'm sure I'll post more on that in specifics, to an extent, once I can do so without anger and rage.  For now it's day by day and where I go from here.

Friday will be the last treatment as I've stated, and I will be ringing the bell in the cancer treatment area signifying that I am done with my treatments and now cancer free!  I'm excited about that because, as I see it, I will be ending all of the bad garbage in my life and getting things back on track.

More eventually if my blogging history is any indication.